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28

Ive been trying to keep my mouth shut. “Trying” being the very worst example because it’s beyond that. I have kept my mouth shut. Void of all the things I wanna say to you, to him to them. It’s beyond just loud chatter barking in my head at me when we talk… It’s down right screams. It’s more horrid then you can imagine when I see all the world in front of you literally crumbling away. I see you head diving off a cliff smiling, laughing, all the while mimicking what normal people do when they are happy. But I see all the cracks… Enough to make you shatter in the wind as you dive down. It’s not for me to say. But what am I good for if I don’t? How is it you find every bad man in any 100 mile radius and see him for all his good and none of his faults or worse yet, imagine these bad faults are good when indeed they’re bad. I’m silent as I get quieter and quieter on the phone, in my texts, and oh, even on my fb msgs. I pull away mostly to stay silent. To allow you that happiness with none of my doubts spoken forth. But we’re 28. We’ve traveled. We’ve learned. We’ve done things. We’ve experienced something more then the literal innocence of 16’s virginity. Virginity to life and choices and regret and chance. We’re old maids now when it comes to seeing failure, pushing forward, taking bad chances, plunging down a cliff and most of all…
letting someone break our hearts. We did that.

**I’m always expecting for someone to pinch me. For Nate to be lying next to me. For me to not have escaped the nightmare that it all was. Im scared I’ll wake up and be 21 and innocent and scared and trapped. Sometimes I’m scared the rewind button will get pushed. And any of my hells return. It makes my current freedom, my ability to choose anything and everything for myself now that much sweeter. I enjoy getting older. I love learning about life, and about myself. I want to keep going forward. 28 to 29 then 30 then 31. Lol, but hopefully I always LOOK 20 something.

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Stepmother

Wicked stepmothers like Snow White, Cinderella or Hansel and Gretal should be fairy tale, shouldn’t they? The art of the story is how not true and a fantasy can be. Well guess what? My step mother makes dem bitches look sweet. She entered my life at the age of 8, I think, and ever since then it’s been a whirlwind of crap. Idk why my father loves her. I don’t understand it and have assumed its been sex all these years. Seriously, if you wanna see mind games, vindictive banter, jealousy, unpredictable behavior, and someone who literally expresses all choices as the betterment for you ‘so you can see what they’re really like’ and doesn’t care that she’s thrown you under a bus.. Look no further.

Lately I’ve been worried about my dad. There’s a lot of stuff going on since my grams died. A lot of greed and spite. That should be explained in another post but this is about Her. So, family businesses are a bitch, but so is my step mother. My dads been taking it over while my grandfather pretends the family as a whole doesn’t exist so he can chase tail. My grandma died a very miserable death, ending it all by finally refusing to eat. I think it’s because of the heartache. Because she wanted my grandfather to love her. He spoke about chasing tail in front of her, as she lay weak and slowly dying. No, this wasn’t new. I don’t think my grandfather chased woman when she was well, but he didn’t treat her like anything more then a maid, secretary and sex thing. Seriously, it’s fucked up but true. More in another blog… But this is about Her.

All this drama with grams dying, grandpa trying to marry some bitch now, someone he started dating a week after my grandmas death, dad being put in charge of the business, the workers not really working, his brothers pissed at dad and not telling him anything, trust for the family business not getting fixed, and my dad gets depressed.

My dad is not a depressive man, he’s hardworking, intelligent, funny, and sometimes an asshole. My step mom, whom I’ve had to really just forgive everything she’s done to me over the years… Including the ruining of my relationship with my dad because of jealousy… she calls me. I’ve had the firm belief for years that she confides in me because I see her for who she is, not the facade she shows her ‘friends’ so theres no need to remember lies told, pretenses, all in all I know everything. We’ve built up this friendship’ out of need to deal with each other. So she calls to confide in me what’s going on with the family, that dad isn’t doing well, not only is he not doing well, he’s told her he’s over life, he wants to die. So I’m in shock. This is not my dad. But all her lies have truth in them too so I know this is true. So I go into blank calm. Daddy wants to kill himself, ‘fuck everyone else, my kids are good. They’re healthy, my grand kids healthy, fuck it.’ So unlike my dad. My dads a fighter to the end. And she continues on with this and that and all this crap and how she told him to shut up, don’t be stupid, etc. But what comes next isn’t unexpected. She calls me a few more times, for this and that, with more illusions of her life.

My step mother is told she has to forgive my grandmother. Yes, she’s dead. She has to because god said. It’s a long story, but a wise woman told her that my grandmother doesn’t like her, didn’t like her. Which is true. She asked my grandmother for forgiveness 3x and my grandma, on her death bed said no and ignored her. The wise woman knows this and tells her in front of my dad. My dad only know about 2x not 3. The wise woman said god is mad at her for not giving forgiveness but mad at my step mother for the same. The wise woman tells her that god didn’t ask, but told her to forgive my grandmother. This is a command from god. She calls me crying that she doesn’t know what to do. All the while I try to convince her she can and but she’s already made up her mind, she won’t. Spitefully. Drama queen.

This was one of the most telling of our conversations, she says ‘I didn’t let you live with us when you came back so you can learn for yourself who your grandmother is’ -I had chemical poisoning off a ship. I was sick. I needed to come home. My dad didn’t fight with her. He said nothing. There was so much of that back then. I was working on a cruise liner. My grandpa n grandma said it was ok to live with them, let me use their car, I helped my grandma, all was good. Until it went sour.- My grandfather played a game. He would leave tons of money all over the place. He accused my cousin and I of stealing it. He never admitted we didn’t. My cousin was presumed innocent. The family, my uncles (who only think what my grandfather tells them) my grandmother who was sickly just thought I was a thief. It ruined the way they talk to me, act toward me, everything. All because of jealousy, selfishness, greed and lies. If this is brought up she says she’s going to have a talk with him. Riiiiight. She doesn’t see her fault in it. Nothing she does is wrong, it’s held up by small strings of righteousness she shouts loudly as if it makes it stronger.

The conversation gets crazier and crazier and I finally tell her to get over it. Just do it. You can if you want to. My step mother has asked my forgiveness twice. Twice I’ve given it to her. What I didn’t know was that she assumed it was that I agreed with her reasons for doing all her wrongs toward me. Her reason being it was so of be strong, smarter, see the truth is this person or that. I told her that her have disturbed views of the world doesn’t make her right. There isn’t anymore merit for forgiveness because there was a reason for her doing something to me. That its a ridiculous concept and she needs to check her head. It is what it is. You did something to hurt me. Purposely. I told her ‘when I forgave you, forgive you for all your wrongs it’s because your forgiven. Not to give you more purpose for your wrongs and lies. I forgive you because I need to for me, not just for you. I don’t carry fake forgiveness and say I do and I don’t. I don’t do vindictive thing to get you back. I forgive you. Simply because to hold on to all the crap you’ve done to me over the years would be ridiculous. I don’t do it because you said. I don’t do it because I have to. I’ve done it because there’s no point to holding on to it. And just because I forgive doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten everything you’ve done to me. It’s just, there’s no point holding on to the hurt.’ She cried said I love you and hung up.

We talk a few times, shes excited about the wedding, she can’t wait to come over, etc.

Not done. I get an email on fb. Says she wants me to marry sooner. This month even, so my father will leave her the fuck alone. And no, she doesn’t want to go, she has better things to do.

I call my dad for something different a few days later. We bought him a cigar box guitar. He loves it. I tell him about the letter. Dad feels terrible like its his fault. Tells me about the car stuff… She didn’t tell me she did this to my dad now so he tells me what’s going on.

So dads depressed. She’s syco. What does she do? Accuse him of cheating on her -again. That’s right. Woo! She’s unable to feel comfortable on her own skin, unable to feel strong etc… So she makes him feel like shit. She accuses him of cheating on her again. This is because she got into a car accident and cashed a check from the guy who hit her and used it to go to Maui. The amounts are wrong. It wasn’t enough to fix it. She didn’t tell my dad she cashed it and bam… Fight, so she says he’s cheating on her. I told him I don’t want her there. She’s bailed on me too many times. I don’t want drama. I just cannot already. I’m tired. I wanna have a non- drama wedding. And now idk what going happen. Geez.

When it’s okay to cry

Held close in your warmth you say

‘your too strong sometimes.’

The silence lingers in the dripping of my tears

and breaks in a hiccup of a sob

and I gather it whole

in an effort to not let my fake

ceramic complexion break.

My paint,

that firm smile,

the sparkle in my eyes

are over ridden by a monstrous sight

and this moment

a moment that overtakes me

and always at the most non opportune time

hangs over my strength and I feel weak

only held up by your strong arms.

Real Freedom

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It’s late again in the darkness of night
With the rain pounding down from above,
hitting the pavement hard and bouncing up swiftly,
making ‘tack’ noises on my window.
I’m quiet and awake
Fish tank flowing,
Dogs running, scratching kennels in their sleep
And i’m restless.
You sleep next to me content
And I’m stir crazy.
I long for the rain and wind in my hair.
I long for the cold to push upon me the realness of the life I have.
I want to run free and naked into the night
and howl like a coyote spooking the deer in the woods,
and freak out every dog in suburbia.
I want to feel free
Like I used to,
A part of the wild.
Not caged like my dogs
In their comfortable crates
In the warmth of the living room.
Happy with content
Like you.
I want fresh air.
The smell of dirt.
And trees.
And water.
And I long for the vastness of an ocean
And the unknowing of it.
I want to feel like a wave,
Free to stretch and move and glide and be.

I’m educated in the fine art of employment. I know how to work hard, how to be on time, how to not get fired, how to get promoted, and how to specialize in what I do. I could teach a course.

I don’t know how to be unemployed. I wish someone would teach a course on that. I moved to Alabama from the sweet island of Kauai for love, opportunities, and school. I thought it would come simpler. I have an extraordinary resume, customer service based with loads of experience. I have an upbeat attitude. I am comfortable with my self and those around me. I’m able to strike up conversation with others easily. I can sell sand to a man who lives I the dessert. Ok, that past one I’m not sure of but I’d give it a try. I’m positive with the outcome. Yet, no one has hired me.

It’s a strain on anyones ego to not be hired when you put yourself out there time and time again. It’s like asking some hot girl on a date and she laughs and turns you down. Seriously, that’s how I feel. But I can handle that. I can’t handle the jerks who call me for bills… unforeseen mishaps that take place and cause bills… and people who have jobs that make them call me to harass me to pay bills and are cocky to me cause they think I’m such a loser cause I have no job. It’s worse when I talk to them and they sound younger then me. 21, maybe and know nothing about what it’s like to literally see just head lights like blinded deer.

September of last year I had surgery. Not electively. I was harassed by my emergency doctors to have the procedure done sooner rather then later. That the consequences of my gallbladder exploding would be far worse then the pain that occurs when I eat anything other then water. The current pain being far worse then what is described as giving birth without drugs, I needed the surgery. I only know because I was rushed to the hospital emergency room with no insurance. Hence the bill. Insurance is something I had always had up until recently. I had no job starting June 3, insurance ended July 3rd. July My grandmother died, I flew home. August, family obligations and buying a home left my fiancé and I pretty much house poor. End of August there was an almost trip to the emergency room. Then there was a trip… with me almost hyperventilating in pain. Pain killers are heaven, don’t let anyone tell you different. September, I have the surgery that used the last of our money. When you have no insurance they make you pay bulk of it ahead.

So here I am. January, 1866 number, I answer. I get some dumb girl telling me I need to pay $100 at the least. I say I can’t do it. I say $20 payment plan. I tell them I don’t have a job. I’m trying. She says I can pay $50 to start, then her manager comes on. She says I can do $100 at the least. Then $50, then it’s $25. What I don’t understand is I say I can do $20. I even explain I’d have to borrow it. She sarcastically says my husband can pay it. I’m not married. My debt is my own. Sarcastically she says I can borrow another $5 and it’s not an argument. It’s this or no deal. I’m tempted to hang up but I don’t. I agree.

So far this month I’ve applied to about 20 jobs. I’ve been to 2 interviews. I’ve had 1 call back. I’ve been good about my debt. This is the only person who has called me. Ever notice that when they do they treat you like shit? Unemployed people in worse straits then me are in far worse stress and then someone calls them, disregards anything they say as bullshit and sarcastically belittles them. I’m sorry, it’s just crap. I pay my bills on time, ive been employed since graduating high school minus this time and 5 months. I’m 28. That means I’ve been employed or in school full time my whole life minus 1 year. Some of that I had 2 or 3 jobs at a time AND school. WTF? A lot of this bad luck is occurring. It’s not shocking. So what’s with the bitches?

A few weeks ago I tried to interview for target. It was a flop. They closed down open interviews early. The girl ahead of me asked if they’d call if positions became available later, they said yes. We walked out. I said waste of time and bitched about gas. She was literally pale. We were parked close. I saw her dial her cell and start sobbing. I can only imagine how bad she has it. I hope she finds a job soon. But this is an example of why asses who call to collect on debt should be if not nice then cordial. And why people who call me shouldn’t give me shit over $5 more a month. $5 is a lot of food if you know how to shop. And $5 is enough to get to an interview and back and look for jobs. $5 is a lot. I’m all about paying my debts, and yea it’s crap I’m bitching about paying a debt but shit, come on now… WTF?

Ex-eclipse

You know how they say the best things in life are free? They’re not. You pay for them.

I paid for Hubby through 9 years of and off, long distance and very close distance to Nate and 8 months of Cassin and a year and a half of Roddy. There’s also the weird romantic more manic then anything else love affair between me and Josh. All relationships were war games, trying to stay above water and fighting to be free and clear headed. Mostly, I think I drowned.

Theres always moments I wonder how they are, what they’re up to and if life is treating them better. Two of these guys… I hate. I mean, if dark abyss covered us with a knife in my hand and I was able to rip them apart and get away with it… I would. But lately, because of the impending I-Do’s there’s a lot of what-ifs. Mostly with Nate and Josh.

Both are long stories. Longer still if there’s any real detail. But they were both my first love. And I fell in love with both of them at the same time and for different reasons.

Josh and I never were together… but through the years I’d get a feeling. Intuition and bam… He’d call, text, email or chat. We were only in the same place at the same time twice in life. This weird connection always kept Nate on edge. I promise, it was nothing I said or did. We were but friends. It was because when Nate and I started talking I had already been talking to Josh. Josh, who was a friends date (they hated each other but stagged it with a bunch of my other friends) at prom, who preceded to harass me all night. Well, he wanted me and my cherry on top. Didn’t happen. But we became friends. Secretly in love when he was actually with someone else.

What if he hadn’t been with someone else? What if I had been with him? Before Nate, after florida. It would have been easy. What if he finally had said it… That he wanted to be with me? Would I have gone? I don’t know. What if I had lost my virginity to him? Instead of Roddy. Roddy who pushed it on me and it had been so far out of love I rather had jumped a cliff (survival). Josh recently told me he wanted to be with me. I was floored. I still am. So the questions are circling my head, no good to anyone. Especially me.

Nate and I were engaged. The sex was hot, the fights hotter but I felt like I lost pieces of me the longer it went on. I truly loved him. I still love him. And I hope the best for him. I’m only with Hubby because they were in a club together. That’s how we met. I was friends with Nate since before I graduated high school. We started dating long distance from the weekend after I graduated. He is who I talked to through most of my problem with school, work, friends and family. He’s always been there until now. Now he doesn’t answer a Facebook message saying ‘Merry Christmas, what u been up to?’ Somewhere about a year and a half before we had a very hard split I told him we should move up to AK to help out with his mom. She was sick. He needed to do this. He never answered. I looked up schools up there, suggested plans… nothing. I even bought clothes to visit. We split right after I bought tickets to go. He doesn’t know I bought them. He doesn’t know I had enough saved up to pay rent for 6 months if he wanted to stay. I knew the drain on the relationship was his loneliness. He left his fam and friends behind to be with me and never proceeded to live there after. There needs to be more then just your one and only. You need friends, jobs, hobbies, distraction. I wasn’t enough and it tore us to pieces. But what if we had gone? If I had waited it out… moved, lived, tried harder? I don’t know.

Luckily it doesn’t happen too often. I don’t think about it crazy style. I love my hubby with all my heart. He’s my whole. I just wonder sometimes what if it had worked with the others, how my path would have changed, where I’d be, what I’d be doing.

Dealing Pot

So a few weeks back Hubby-to-be and I went to a bridal fair and signed up to win all this stuff including a honeymoon. Guess what? We WON. $700, all inclusive to Costa Rica, Mexico or Dominican Republic. Now, at one point in my life I wanted to teach English to kids in Costa Rica so I’m beyond excited but there’s a catch. We need to sit through a presentation. It’s explained to me as a registry sign up. I think presents for marriage. Okay. Whatever. We don’t have to buy anything. Okay, sounds good. There’s food and it’s funny? Count me in, and it’s an easy sell to Hubby… there’s free food involved. If anything, it’s an interesting experience. They don’t have any of our financial info. It’s cool.

Tonight we head out, after grabbing a burger at Five Guys *love*, we head over too early to the hotel when it’s being held. We drive around, kinda see whats in this area since he’s never seen the sights either and we nestle in the hotel parking lot after killing some time. Listening to music Hubby says he’s not gonna be taken advantaged of and jokes about me wanting everything they offer. We laugh and walk in.

We sign in, meet a couple, joke around, sit. Guy comes up about 10mins late. He’s late 30’s, family man, southern from TN, southern accent… he grabs an empty chair from the room, (there’s only 4 couples including us) he sits, and says “I sell POT.” And we all laugh. That’s pretty much the way the night went. The sell was of Hammer Stahl Cutlery and Bella Gourmet. It was funny and charming and silly and informative.  Basically it came down to this… do we spend money on crazy awesome pots that we will grow to need more as we get older or do we spend said money on fast food? Do we buy something that is healthy… the man stuck two chicken breast in a pot with spices and a tablespoon of water for twenty minutes, took the chicken out not burned and cooked all the way through… he poured a good cup of fat out of that pot… fat that had been in the chicken and was now in a cup. Fat that we normally eat. The chicken tasted GOOD. And I’m picky. It was moist and yummy and surprisingly so after I saw that cup of fat. So since I spend an hour in the kitchen or more… Hubby thought it was a good buy. Seriously, when my order i’ll take a pic of what it can do. 😀

But here’s a hint… you ever heard about those pots that cook when stacked on top of one another and at the same time? That’s right. That’s the new addition to our kitchen! So excited. Forged knives and stack-able pots . I bought pot. lol

Tornadoriffic

It’s funny how you can go your entire life not experiencing some of these things that are so common to others. Something as norm as a freak storm, or a tornado cell as it crosses over you slowing moving in whatever direction and you wish only for it to pass faster and get the hell away from you.

When I was younger I was raised with earthquakes, hurricanes, and tsunamis. Earthquakes and tsunamis were a stretch of the imagination to endure. Tsunami fears being so irrelevant that I mixed them up with tornados. I’m from an island in the south pacific… What do u expect?

So tonight the warning sirens go off and I jerk up, saying “oh my god, the sirens, honey wake up” and i shake him with more force then i think. My soon to be hubby jumps out of bed. It’s dark, 2am. He was asleep. I was trying to mellow while playing poker on my iPad. I don’t know what to do. Hurricane and I’m ready. Earthquake I’m ok. Tsunami and I’m fine. 2am tornado? I’m floored. How do I know what to do when I’m up against something in the black of night? I never thought about it before but when you think nightmare uncontrollable weather you also envision it bright out. Imminent danger viewable as it gets closer to you and your daily comfortable life’s destruction. He says get in the tub. I’m in getting in the tub and I realize I’m nude and if my newly bought house disappears I’ll be butt ass naked. So I then try to find clothes. I can’t think. I grab whatever. I get in the tub. I get out and grab a blanket. I get in the tub. I cower. I breathe like my heart needs it, panting like I’m running when really I’m thinking life will go up in smoke to a dark demon in the night literally coming at us from above.

Hubby is moving around, finding phones, and iPads. He hovers over me right outside the tub and I calm a little. Images of the tornado movie with hilary hunt and the storm chasers replay in my head. When the tornado falls at night on an outside movie cinema. Alarms are still going off. We sit and we wait. Too much tv pushes on in my head. I’m slowly trying to be ok with having to clean pieces of my house from neighbors yards tomorrow. I pray that Tuscaloosa doesn’t happen again. I start to freak and hubby holds my hand. I ask him if we should sleep in the bathroom tonight because of other storms on its way up.

The cell continues over. The sirens turn off.

He’s asleep. The dogs are asleep. I’m awake. It still has yet to stop raining but I can’t fall asleep. I keep thinking I need to be ready in case it happens again. Alarms need to be heard to be affective.

Morning will come, those harshly affected will need help. Hopefully everyone is safe this night and early morning darkness. I pray it so. And those who need be awaken by sirens are.

The Art of Pushing Forward…

I dedicate this blog to my silent friends who I rant on the phone with, who have sat quiet as I cried in their beds and trembled in pain and angst and just listened. The ones that are my real friends, who have always had my back, even when dealing with their own dilemmas in their lives. The ones who love me for me, PUSH ME FORWARD, help me to remember who I am when I’ve lost it. I love you guys. I thank you. Your more then friends, your sisters, your angels, your my soulmates and nothing in life would ever be anything without you.

When I forget, you remember and when you forget, I remember.